It's been four weeks since we brought Moses home and I apologize to many of you who've been wondering how we've been. Needless to say, I have hardly had any time to write, much less eat my breakfast, or go to the bathroom(by myself is not an option) or keep up on the exploding laundry pile in my basement, or most importantly- sleep. That last one mentioned would be the kicker. Did you know that you can believe the world is disintegrating and you will not make it (seriously) if one more child tells you they don't want cereal again for dinner? This all due to the 1.23 hours of consecutive sleep you had the previous night, . . . . and the night before that. . . . . and the night before that. But then- the Lord hears your pleas for sanity and self control and blesses you with 3.46 hours of sleep and you feel like you could run a marathon and solve world peace all in the same day. . . at least until 11:20am hits and your caffeine blood supply has run way too low.Ok seriously. We are doing much better, have much more sanity(most of us), self control, and energy to make it through the day.
Here's a few things we've been learning since we brought Moses home:
*Sleep is NOT overrated
*Getting a shower is NOT overrated
*Four kids are noisy even when they're trying to be quiet
*I (Heidi) can't sleep with a baby lying next to me, hence the going insane
*Moses and I both sleep much better when he is in the hallway(hey-we made it 3 weeks, better than nothing)
*As much as I try, getting 6 hours(like they reccomend) of carry time is just not even possible with naps, etc
We get about 4 hours instead
*. . . . speaking of naps, they are a necessity
*Ezra loves playing with his little brother and it's actually helped him a lot to have a sibling with the same skin
color
*Olivia-adjusting just fine to another sibling
*Camille- it's a love-hate relationship: She'll kiss him one moment and then whack him over the head
a minute later. But overall, she's doing well also
*In doing things differently this time around, I can see that Moses is attaching already to me and I too, am
bonding much quicker with him
*Telling people 'No, you cannot hold my son' when they ask is harder than I thought it would be
*Laundry has grown from a respectable mound to Mt. Everest in my basement
Now that Moses is home, God continues to challenge me in trusting Him evermore. I was rocking Moses today trying to teach him to put his head down on my chest and listen to my heartbeat. He was not keen on the idea and cried and strained his little body so he wouldn't have to be so close. And a little snippet of fear arose in me that said, "O no! What if he refuses to bond with me. What if he too hates to be touched and rejects my love! Lord, I KNOW I won't be able to handle 2 children who won't bond. Please, please don't put me through this again." Everything in me began tensing up as I thought of the 'what ifs' down the road. Then, as if God put his hand on my shoulder, I felt him saying, "Don't fear the future. I will give you the strength and love you need to give Moses for today. He is mine to work in and you can entrust him to me."
I'm sure I will have many more 'panic' episodes and questionings of , "Did I do it right this time?" So much of me says, "Ok Heidi, You're now educated, you've studied this, you can make changes, you shouldn't end up with an unattached child again." If I do, what does that say about me? about God?
Most of what I've learned about my true self, I've learned from the most challenging person in my life- my son. It is tempting to think that if I do this or that all right, that my children will turn out 'right', or worse yet, that I somehow deserve my children to turn out right. But where is God and his grace in that? I've had to double check my thinking so often because in reality it's God who does all the work in their little hearts, not my perfect/ or quite imperfect parenting.
I'm thankful that I don't have to fear and right now, we're just enjoying getting to know Moses. God has a plan for this sweet boy and I'm humbled to be used somehow as apart of it.
