A week from now, I will be flying from New York to Brussels on my way to Yaounde, Cameroon. We are confident that this trip is the will of God for me for these 11 days of my life.
If you'd like to hear more, read more about the trip, here is the link to a little website I made up about the trip, the team traveling, the missionaries who have been serving this people group for the past 20 years.
Last night I found out that God and God alone orchestrated a series of events that is allowing me the privilege and honor to be able to go to Cameroon in Mid-December to witness a New Testament dedication for the Nooni people of Cameroon.
Below is the majority of an email I sent to my family last night after I was notified that God was opening a wide open door for me to go...it is kind of long, but it is really exciting to share.
Well, to make a long story of God’s faithfulness a little
shorter, the Danforth’s chose
to come to Faith Bible Church and decided to be involved in the same growth group that we were
a part of.
A Little About the Danforth’s
The Danforth
family (Sam, Anna, Elaina, & Sawyer) are here in Spokane working at Moody Aviation for the next year (or
so) getting all the remaining technical/mechanical training necessary before
they head to Cameroon to serve with JAARS
(Mission Aviation part of Wycliffe Bible Translators) in support of Bible
translators reaching people groups in Cameroon. They are a wonderful couple,
have two kids around Ezra’s age, and we have been richly blessed by them in
many ways in the months they have been in Spokane.
Back around the first past of October (5 weeks ago), I asked
Sam and Anna to spend some time at our growth group sharing about Cameroon, the
people, their story, and the upcoming New Testament dedication that is this
coming December. This December, after 20 years of translation, the New
Testament dedication that Anna’s parents have given their lives to is
occurring.
After they shared about the upcoming dedication in December
2011, I silently, but very specifically prayed;
“Lord, I would LOVE to go
to Cameroon to witness this celebration of Your Scriptures being translated into the Nooni language. I know we don’t have the financial resources
for this right now, so you’d have to work that out among other things.”
The Lord really confirmed in my heart not to mention this to anyone but Him, even Heidi, wanting to be sure if it did work out it would be wrought of God (seeing that
I had told no one and given NO hints to anyone).
I didn’t question that the Lord could answer this prayer, I
just wondered if He really did want me to go on this trip to Africa in
mid-December.
After that prayer back in early October, I didn’t think too much
more about it…thinking it was too late for anything to potentially happen.
Last Night– November 8th 2011
We get home from our growth group at the Danforth’s house
and I get a text message from Sam: ‘Hey, a donor said your trip would be completely covered to go to the New Testament dedication in Cameroon!!! Would you consider going?’ (I only spoke to the King Jesus about this, no one else.)
My response after I recovered from the shock of reading the
text: “Yes’…but…you might
need to explain a little more about this!”
So, I called them at 10 pm and we talked about the specifics and Heidi and I learned that Sam and Anna have been
praying for two months about me going to the dedication and the Lord has provided! Praying a whole month
before I began praying, and God provided someone to make the trip financially possible. Awesome.
I got off the phone, Heidi and I talked and saw this clearly
as something the Lord wants me to do. I wept in thankfulness for the Lord’s goodness
in providing so lavishly on us.
What a picture of the wonder of the gift of the Gospel. Receiving what I do not deserve. I don't deserve the privilege, the honor, the joy of being a part of this celebration in Cameroon...nor do I deserve the immeasurable greatness of the love of God in Christ Jesus, who when I was a rebel, a murderer, adulterer, thief, hater of God, He lavished His profound mercy on me and declared me righteous, forgiven, child of the King of Kings!
So, I will be leaving on the 15th of December and
returning on the 26th. Yes, I’ll be gone on Christmas day…but we’ll
be able to have a great Christmas on the 26th when I return home.
Heidi and I talked and though I’ll be gone on Christmas Day,
this is just a wonderful occasion to see, take part in, and commemorate the
Word of the Living God into a language that hasn’t had it before! What a
gracious gift that the Lord is allowing me to be present at such a monumental
occasion.
Just thought I’d share a story of answered prayer!
Several months ago I saw the video below and it makes you so appreciate having the Scriptures in your language. I don't know if the celebration will be similar to the one below, but it is pretty awesome nevertheless.
This video is of the Kimyal Tribe in West Papau, Indonesia receiving the Word of God into their language.
Another book...are you kidding me? Why this book? Is this just a casual read that I am going to read in a few days and then put down to never pick up again? Never apply, never change as a result of?
There are several reasons I chose to buy this book at this time in our life. I will seek to be as honest as possible and I am writing this because it will help me focus my thoughts about why I am going to spend time reading this book and what I hope to gain as a result of reading this.
A few reasons why we are going to read this:
1. The ministry of hospitality is obviously a huge priority in the life of Jesus and throughout the Bible and we are seeing that this is an area we need to grow in.
2. Eating and Meals happen every day, several times a day. Often we (and others I think) share excuses about being to busy, too much going on, but we eat every day having people into our home is a growing priority for us.
3. In all honesty, it is very easy to have people from church over for time together and fellowship. That should be a priority, but it also should be a priority to have our neighbors over for meals together, people I work with on a daily basis, and some of the guys who are on the corner of the streets holding signs about their needs. Maybe, just maybe, the Lord would have us have one of those guys over for a meal
1. In what ways was mealtime and hospitality a means of the Gospel going forth through a community, nation, and world?
2. In what ways can we use mealtime to serve and reach out to those who are in need of the redeeming grace of Jesus Christ?
3. In what ways does our mealtimes need to change for the purpose of spreading the Gospel, making disciples, etc.
4. How can our home be a centerpiece for ministry and outreach?
5. In this upcoming Holiday season, how can we serve others around us who need Jesus, not just let the season be about our immediate family?
In complete transparency, I feel like our time, schedule and commitments right now are too 'churchy' and our lives need to be lived more like missionaries. In Spokane WA. Right Now. I think it is a tool and tactic of Satan to get us drunk on ourselves by not being outward/others focused.
In this post I define 'churchy' as follows: A life, a schedule, and relationships that are only built on things that center around the local church you 'attend'. (I really kind of hate the word 'attend' because that is so ANTI-BIBLICAL.) For example, Sundays are at church, Tuesdays are with people from the church, Wednesdays a parenting class 'at church'). Each of these things are helpful and great, but AM I MISSING SOMETHING. ARE WE missing something? Where is it in our schedule that that we are 'going and making disciples of all the nations'? So much time and energy is spent is 'getting trained', 'taking classes', 'getting encouragement' that we forget that Jesus trained 'on the job', 'in the classroom of life', not in a class setting.
All that to say, mealtime, hospitality, "for the purpose of reaching the lost" is not a priority in our home and we want it to be. Repenting, thanking Him for his forgiveness, and asking Him tp do a powerful work in our home is where we are at.
I also am praying that this little book would be a source of encouragement, conviction and that the Spirit of God would do a work of faith in our lives as we seek to honor the King of Kings in our meals and in our home.
"There are hundreds of strange and radical things God is calling his people to do in the cause of world missions. Not everyone will hear the same call. Yours will be unique. It may be something you never dreamed of doing. It may be something you have only dreamed of doing. But I urge you to listen to the leading of the Spirit to see where "outside the camp" he may be taking you "to bear the reproach he endured."
Reading through the Gospel of John, the Book of Acts and the rest of the Bible for that matter, you see that God intimately leads people who follow Him & listen to HIM.
'Listening to the leading of the Spirit' is kind of a touchy subject in conservative non-charismatic churches, but you cannot deny it if you read the Bible.
God might be calling you to do something that no one else has ever done.
He might be calling you to something that no one on this earth will ever see or know about.
You might never get to share awesome stories that will get you attention or get you a published book or anything others might know about, but you'll be able to rest in the confidence that the Living God is leading you.
Hebrews 11:6 And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who seek Him.
"I remember my last confirmation class before I left
for Romania. I took a group of ten to fifteen boys and girls on a Sunday
morning, not to a church, but to the zoo. Before the cage of lions I told them,
"Your forefathers in faith were thrown before such wild beasts for their
faith. Know that you also will have to suffer. You will not be thrown before
lions, but you will have to do with men who would be much worse than lions.
Decide here and now if you wish to pledge allegiance to Christ." They had tears in their eyes when they said
yes.
Wurmbrand goes on to say...
We have to make the preparation now, before we are
imprisoned. In prison you lose everything. You are undressed and given a
prisoner's suit. No more nice furniture, nice carpets, or nice curtains. You do
have a wife any more and you do not have your children. You do not have your
library and you never see a flower. Nothing of what makes life pleasant
remains. Nobody resists who has not renounced the pleasures of life
beforehand.."
Practically, Christians in Spokane could take their kids
to Cat Tales (Not exactly 'Wild Beasts', but there are not a lot of other alternatives in the Spokane area) for a spiritual lesson and tell them about Daniel and his trust of God, Foxe's Book of Martyr's, and Hebrews 11, Luke 9, and a whole lot of other Scriptures.
It might be the most relevant Sunday School Lesson of their life.
"Father, I ask and pray that you would help
us count the cost of following you. The cost won't be felt in the comfy church
seats/pews, in church programs, or in in a 'go to' church culture, but in front
of lions, in front of adversaries of the cross, in front of having to deny
ourselves and what we love, for the greater treasure, Christ Himself. May I
lead my children in such as way that demonstrates in the steps of my life that
I treasure King Jesus over comfort, family, the niceties of this life here in
the U.S., more than living to an old age, more than paying off my home
mortgage, more than ANYTHING or ANYONE. You are the pearl of greatest prize,
the hidden treasure worth selling all to gain, the one who had freed my soul
from the domain of darkness and Satan and given me the Kingdom. O that love
would compel me and others to live resolved to bring you glory by denying
myself, taking up the cross, and following You."
"If we, as Gospel ambassadors, are unwilling to suffer even as much as soldiers and fireman, could the reason be that we don't treasure Christ enough or value the Gospel enough to sacrifice significantly for its advancement into unreached regions? Is Jesus simply not worth the risk to many of us? Where is the line over which it is no longer worth it to go with the Gospel?" David Sitton
There is none. O Father, let me live like this. By Your Grace, For Your Glory.
You might not know how much you need this book
in the
same way that you might not know you need chemotherapy because you don't know
you have cancer.
Whether you are a parent, business owners, sole proprietor, have a home business, etc. this book is worth reading.
Dave Ramsey is a skillful surgeon, often with frank
bluntness. He addresses the cancer, explains how it kills you if unaddressed, and
explains what will need to happen to get you on to the road of healing.
Dave shares with humility and 20 years of experience. He is a proven leader in business, in leadership, entrepreneurship and personal finance. He is worth listening to and learning from.
Dave Ramsey is kind of the hero for bootstrapping entrepreneurs he lost it all in real estate and then he's calling in life got defined by that by helping people get out of that stay at a debt and pay off debt and never to go get you in debt again.
He
is honest about his mistakes, doesn't hide from them, and uses them as a tool
to help teach others to learn from his mistakes.
This book is almost free, $14. Free in that the lessons
shared, principles proclaimed, and vision cast are worth countless more than you could ever pay for the cost of the book. His writing of this book is a true gift.
Entreleadership is Dave's business autobiography and reads as if you were having a conversation with him. In fact, I kept turning the pages,
reading it like one would read Lord of the Rings.
His chapter on goal setting, the importance of mission
statement, casting a vision for your company, were priceless. Whether or not
one does anything with it after they read it is a totally different questions.
Whenever I read a book, I ask myself...What needs to
change in my life as a result of reading this book?
The answer to that question after reading Entreleadership
is....A LOT.
1. I need a clearly written mission statement (For My Family, and as a Realtor)
2. I need
to write down goals in all areas of my life.
3. I need to keep more specific track of my time and what
I have been devoting time and attention to.
4. I need to have a clean office space. (Ouch)
5. I need
to make sure that my Balance Sheet, Profit and Loss Statements, and my Dustin
Greenup, Inc. Quickbooks are in good standing.
The 2nd chapter of the book, Start with a Dream, End with a Goal was probably the most helpful/challenging and inspiring in the whole book.
You won't be wasting your time or money by getting this book...in fact, you could be wasting lots of time and money if you don't get this book, read it, and apply it.
Remember...it hurts to be told that you have cancer, but it is a lot worse if it is not dealt with.
Here are a few of my favorite quotes from the book:
"Dreaming is the lifeblood of people and organizations that are alive and thriving." Page 24
"The Mission Statement is further clarification and definition of your dreams and vision and assures you that your goals are aimed at the right target" Page 27
"Personal Finance is not a Math Problem, it is a Behavior Problem" P.38
"If you don't own the goal and it doesn't come from your dream, then you won't have the toughness to persevere when the going gets tough" P.37
Every once in a while, I feel it is a good to post some links I have found interesting, helpful, inspiring, or just plain funny. Here is my most recent list:
'After the Airport': This gal writes what most parents are thinking who have adopted children into their family. This is an absolute must-read for families who have adopted, considering adopting, or know others who have adopted and need to know what is going through their mind and life at the present time.
The Difference between Good and Great - Whatever your hand finds to do, do it will all your might. Here is a great piece on the difference between good and great preaching (but it has relevance in all areas). C.S. Lewis and Russell Moore are two examples of great writers. Adopted for Life and Tempted and Tried are two great examples. He brings you into his story in such a way you feel what he is saying.
Tips for Teaching Your Kids - I found this article extremely practical and helpful. Be specific, teach all the time, teach at special times....etc. Worth the read...and to apply.
Yesterday I got asked "How do you do it with four?" to which I replied, "One day at a time." I want others to know quickly that I am no super mom, I am your average mill of the run woman, with my own set of faults and weaknesses just like everyone else.
In fact, last night I had quite a breakdown in emotion and self control that I am ashamed to even write about it. I do only because I sense that God taught me much through that experience and I hope it will encourage some of you others reading this blog. As a parent, the best thing I could give my kids and the most I could ever want, is for them to know the Lord intimately. Part of my job as a mom is to introduce to them who God is and what He's done, namely- the Cross of Christ and it's saving power. But as I labor day in and day out to teach my children about sin, the effects of it in their lives and how to live for Jesus, I become discouraged at the hard hearts of my children who look at me blankly, not even caring about what they did that was wrong. O how painful it is to not see any sign of repentance, nor sorrow or anguish over the break in relationship. It is something I nor anyone else can cause to be affected-only God in his almighty hand can melt a heart of stone and replace it with a heart of flesh.
But isn't it easy to fall into the trap of measuring your parenting by how well your children are behaving and responding even to discipline? I am tempted to let my pride flare up when at church my child acts 'unbecomingly', and I am filled with shame, thinking others judged me as a parent by how UN-behaved my kids are. It is easy to think that if we just parent better or spank the most that our children will behave and love the Lord. Unfortunately, those 2 things do not necessarily go hand in hand.
Yesterday my husband happened to recite much of chapters 10, 11 and 12 of Hebrews in church and as he's been preparing for this endeavor, I have gotten to listen to and meditate over much of what God's word says in those meaty passages.
And last night as I was crying my eyes out in frustration I think something clicked for me. You see chapter 11 of Hebrews talks about all these great people of faith such as Abel, Enoch, Abraham, Jacob, etc. The point of all these people listed was not that they'd seen the fruits of their actions necessarily, but that they acted in faith "not having received the things promised," but rather looked "to the reward(vs 26)"
which would come in heaven. "By faith. . . ." keeps ringing in your ears.
Parenting I've discovered is so much like this. Here we work day after day, wiping noses and bottoms when they're young, teaching and training everything from not to throw down their food while eating to having self control when a brother takes their toy. And all of it boils down to wanted them to know God and why they need Jesus as their savior. Everything I do, EVERYTHING- is for them to know and learn to love Christ. And so, I parent not having received the promise that my child will become saved, but looking to the reward yet to come. And as Noah and Abraham endured, so too can I endure through Christ-- Christ who "endured such hostility from sinners against himself, so that (I and you) may not grow weary or fainthearted.(12:3)"
Last night I was weary and fainthearted because I had forgotten the promises to me that have yet to come. Not that I know all my children will become saved, but one thing I do know, I can keep enduring to train and teach their little hearts until the day I die, knowing that my promise and reward is yet to come.
My oldest child is not quite 5, and I am in anguish not to see repentance in his heart yet. Perhaps your child is older still. Today I am taking it one day at a time, yet running "with endurance the race that is set before (me), looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.(12:1-3)"
By faith. . . . what would God have you do today?
Today I am making nutrious meals, training how to stay in your seat at the dinner table, wiping poopy bottoms clean, praying for repentant hearts in my children, teaching letters with licorice, etc. . . . .
It's been four weeks since we brought Moses home and I apologize to many of you who've been wondering how we've been. Needless to say, I have hardly had any time to write, much less eat my breakfast, or go to the bathroom(by myself is not an option) or keep up on the exploding laundry pile in my basement, or most importantly- sleep. That last one mentioned would be the kicker. Did you know that you can believe the world is disintegrating and you will not make it (seriously) if one more child tells you they don't want cereal again for dinner? This all due to the 1.23 hours of consecutive sleep you had the previous night, . . . . and the night before that. . . . . and the night before that. But then- the Lord hears your pleas for sanity and self control and blesses you with 3.46 hours of sleep and you feel like you could run a marathon and solve world peace all in the same day. . . at least until 11:20am hits and your caffeine blood supply has run way too low.
Ok seriously. We are doing much better, have much more sanity(most of us), self control, and energy to make it through the day.
Here's a few things we've been learning since we brought Moses home:
*Sleep is NOT overrated
*Getting a shower is NOT overrated
*Four kids are noisy even when they're trying to be quiet
*I (Heidi) can't sleep with a baby lying next to me, hence the going insane
*Moses and I both sleep much better when he is in the hallway(hey-we made it 3 weeks, better than nothing)
*As much as I try, getting 6 hours(like they reccomend) of carry time is just not even possible with naps, etc
We get about 4 hours instead
*. . . . speaking of naps, they are a necessity
*Ezra loves playing with his little brother and it's actually helped him a lot to have a sibling with the same skin
color
*Olivia-adjusting just fine to another sibling
*Camille- it's a love-hate relationship: She'll kiss him one moment and then whack him over the head
a minute later. But overall, she's doing well also
*In doing things differently this time around, I can see that Moses is attaching already to me and I too, am
bonding much quicker with him
*Telling people 'No, you cannot hold my son' when they ask is harder than I thought it would be
*Laundry has grown from a respectable mound to Mt. Everest in my basement
Now that Moses is home, God continues to challenge me in trusting Him evermore. I was rocking Moses today trying to teach him to put his head down on my chest and listen to my heartbeat. He was not keen on the idea and cried and strained his little body so he wouldn't have to be so close. And a little snippet of fear arose in me that said, "O no! What if he refuses to bond with me. What if he too hates to be touched and rejects my love! Lord, I KNOW I won't be able to handle 2 children who won't bond. Please, please don't put me through this again." Everything in me began tensing up as I thought of the 'what ifs' down the road. Then, as if God put his hand on my shoulder, I felt him saying, "Don't fear the future. I will give you the strength and love you need to give Moses for today. He is mine to work in and you can entrust him to me."
I'm sure I will have many more 'panic' episodes and questionings of , "Did I do it right this time?" So much of me says, "Ok Heidi, You're now educated, you've studied this, you can make changes, you shouldn't end up with an unattached child again." If I do, what does that say about me? about God?
Most of what I've learned about my true self, I've learned from the most challenging person in my life- my son. It is tempting to think that if I do this or that all right, that my children will turn out 'right', or worse yet, that I somehow deserve my children to turn out right. But where is God and his grace in that? I've had to double check my thinking so often because in reality it's God who does all the work in their little hearts, not my perfect/ or quite imperfect parenting.
I'm thankful that I don't have to fear and right now, we're just enjoying getting to know Moses. God has a plan for this sweet boy and I'm humbled to be used somehow as apart of it.
Tonight is the last night we will be a family of 5 as Dustin and his mom are returning from Ethiopia tomorrow. So many things have gone through my head today as I tried to prepare for his arrival. Things such as,
*Do I have enough diapers
*When will I ever get a chance to clean my bathroom again?
*Have I prepared our other kids well enough for Moses' arrival?
*Will Moses hate me and cry every day. . . . . . I'm not sure my nerves can handle that. . . .
Here Moses will probably have had an average of about 15 caregivers during his short life. To him, I'm just another new and very 'white' face. I smell different, I talk different, I don't know his schedule that he's been used to of eating and sleeping and the list goes on. One of the biggest issues Dustin and I have talked through has been attachment. We wanted to post a little something about all the things we learned in doing things with Ezra and what we will do differently the second time around.
So here's a few things:
1) He will be sleeping in our room and if not in bed, directly next to me so I can roll over and touch him
2)I (Heidi) will attempt to carry him attached in a carrier and facing me for a minimum of 6 hours a day, for 6 weeks
3)No one else will hold Moses until we see good signs of attachment(minimum of 3-6 months)
4)He will be fed a bottle for as long as possible so that he learns to make eye contact with me(mom)
5)We will try to encourage him to go through those infant baby stages with us as long as possible(i.e. rolling, crawling, etc)
*Those are just a few things that we learned we should've taken more seriously the first round through with Ezra. Although everyone(including us) thought that since Ezra was so young when we got him, it wouldn't matter as much- but really it did . We know every parent makes mistakes, but we sure would do things differently looking back.
Thank goodness for God's grace in all of this! If not for God's grace in Ezra's and Moses' and my life- we would all be going crazy. . . .seriously! But God is indeed gracious, especially when He calls us radical living each and every day. I pray that our family and 'radical living' for Him would point others to the cross of Christ and how because of him, we are adopted into God's family as sons.
Thank you to those of you who've labored in prayer along with us and watched/read our journey in bringing Moses home. We have felt your prayers and been encouraged by your comments. And we are so blessed to have all of your support! Humbly and with gratitude, Dustin and Heidi Greenup (and kids)
Below is the majority of an email I wrote to some fellow travelers on the long and hard road of adoption. Hope it might encourage one or two others on the road.
I know this wait has been long road, filled with trials, filled with questioning and wondering at the plans and purposes of God and His ways.
I have been spending a lot of time in Hebrews 11, 12, and 13 as of late and have been so challenged by the path of faith that the Lord has called many of our Old Testament brothers and sisters to.
God is making you into great parents prior to even having the children in your home. He is refining you for His great and good purposes, to be a light of Christ in a hopeless and dark world.
I do not know what these next 2, 4, 6 months hold (let alone tomorrow) for both you or us, but there are several promises that are growing more and more dear to me in and every day this adoption process continues…
·Hebrews 13: The sure and steady HOPE that ‘Jesus will never leave me nor forsake me’. No matter what comes, he is graciously refining me for his purposes, His glory, and in fact for my good…though often I don’t see it as my good. ‘The Lord is my Helper, I will not fear…what can man do to me’.
·Hebrews 12: The Race of Faith – We all have great need of endurance. Life is hard, trials are many, pain is present, but we can take GREAT hope in that Jesus endured suffering, horrific hostility, crucifixion, to bring me into the household of God, as sons adopted into the Family of the Living God. And that Great Hope, the Hope of the Firm and Steady rock of Jesus Christ, propels us to offer our lives as holy and pleasing sacrifices to God…suffering with Jesus outside the camp (Hebrews 13) and bearing the reproach He endured.
·Hebrews 11: Enduring as Seeing Him who is invisible: Moses endured the anger of the king…because he ‘saw Him who is invisible’. Sarah endured ‘considering Him FAITHFUL, who had promised’. Abraham ‘offered up his only son Isaac believing that God would raise Him from the dead’. Moses ‘wandered’ for 40 years and God equipped Him, prepared Him to lead millions of people.
(I am saying this to myself as I write it) :Be of good courage for our hope is not in governments (they will fail), adoption agencies (they will make mistakes), timelines (they are always changing), or anything other than Our Great God who did not spare His own Son so that we might become His children. Our courage is upon the Firm Foundation, the Sure and Steady Hope, the Immovable Rock in the midst of an earth-shaking Tsunami, The One who is Unshakable, the King of Kings, the One who upholds the world by the Word of His Power, Our Great Salvation, The One who has Made Purification for sins, the One Who is Seated at the Right Hand of The Throne of God, Exact Imprint of God (God Himself) the One who Works all Things together for Good to those who Love Him, to those who are Called according to HIS Purposes, the One who blood has given us access to the Throne of Grace, The One who is Faithful to the End, The One whom Death Could Not Hold, the One who is the Christ, JESUS.
A plea to our Great God
O God, let us remain steadfast under your Great and Precious Promises, let us hold closely to the only firm foundation available, Jesus and His work on the Cross, let us continue to RUN the race, fixing our eyes on You, the author and perfecter of our Faith, let us continue to live as seeing Him who is invisible, let us live for the world to come, let us be found faithful. Equip us O God for everything we need for life and godliness, for every good work You have called us to. For Your Name to be magnified.
-------------------------------------------------
Here is a strengthening blog post from some friends of our who are also adopting from Ethiopia, on the topic of waiting on God.
Life has not exactly been easy since we got back from our first trip to Ethiopia- not that it was easy before.
Many have asked how the kids did while we were gone and to my surprise, they did pretty well, although Ezra woke up a few mornings crying because he "missed mom and dad." Sweet Olivia, hearing his cries first, would go and pat his back and tell him "It's ok Ezra. Mom and dad will be home soon." Olivia is my little compassionate comforter which is a quality I hadn't seen come out until lately.
While I knew it would be hard to get back into the swing of things, I didn't know how difficult it would be with my oldest when we got back. And although it was a good thing that he missed us, I think we went a huge leap backwards in trust between us when we were gone those ten days. Old consequences for misbehavior that had worked in the past now meant nothing to him and as I'd tell him to go jump on the mini tramp, I'd be met with a cold stare and stiff body that refused to be told what to do. Every little thing that didn't go his way resulted in a meltdown or a physical temper tantrum. With each 'episode' that accrued day after day, I confess my love for him was tested brutally. To be totally honest, I felt like I was living with an enemy; someone who hated me and my love and threw it back in my face; someone who fought me on every issue like sitting down in one's seat to eat lunch or getting dressed in the morning. He wanted my help but then he didn't want it or I didn't do it the way he wanted it; it didn't matter really. . . . I was the enemy to him and he was soon becoming my 'enemy' in heart and in reality.
We had been making huge strides with 'E' before we left for Ethiopia but when we were gone, he did not understand that we would return soon and his trust in us fell apart. Thus, he set up barriers to protect himself, ones that had worked well to help him survive his first horrible year on this earth.
When things get really tough between 'E' and I, I always need to take a step back and remind myself of a few things. (These are good to take note of for any of you adoptive moms reading this blog.)
1)What are the temper tantrums really trying to communicate? For Ez, it always means a cry for help.
2)What am I showing him by the way I respond to his outbursts or rebellions? Am I an example of
love? of self control? of patience? of a sweet and gentle tone of voice?
3)What qualities is he displaying that helped him survive all the horror and pain he endured before being
adopted? Am I thankful for them? Am I showing him how he can put those aside now and feel
safe with me?
For all you adoptive moms with RAD kids, you know what I mean by getting to the end of your rope with a child. (If you don't know what that means, call me and I'd be happy to explain it to you)
I was at the end of my rope with Ez and I knew something needed to change. And then God had me read through first and second Peter to remind me about how we are to treat our enemies and what to endure in:
LOVE! "since love covers a multitude of sins" 1 Peter 4:8
God so graciously reminded me that in order for 'E' to learn to love and to accept love from others, I needed to show it to him daily and unfortunately, I was the one sorely lacking as things got worse and worse. But I was at a point where I could not muster it up for him. As hard as I tried to be 'nice' it was not Christ's love being examplified. It had to do with my impatient tone of voice; my ungentle touch or even complete lack thereof towards him; my disapproving cold eyes that looked into his; and the unspoken desire to just not be around him because when we were together, he was always fighting me. I was not pursueing him and had just fulfilled his reasoning for not trusting me. I desperately needed God to fill me up with His love because mine was gone. And so, I got down on my knees and from that point until this day, I get up every morning asking the Lord to give me His love for this child of mine.
And He has answered my prayers so faithfully! Now, I am reaping the joy of watching a life being transformed by the love of God. As the Holy Spirit gives me a patient heart or a kind tone of voice or even the desire to give 'E' a hug during a hard time, I see Ez responding like never before. I have a little boy who actually cries in sorrow when he has done wrong; I get a good morning hug initiated BY HIM; I get an "I love you mom" something that 'E' has never said to me up until the last few months! Accepting love is so scary for him because his rule to reject it served him so well to surviving the loss of all those caregivers in those first few months. It's crazy to even watch him respond to love because it's like he doesn't even know what to do with his feelings; You can see it in his face. . . questions of, "Is it ok to feel this? I like love but maybe I can't trust it". . . . Verbalizing it is the hardest part for a little boy. As I watch Ez grow in love, I see myself growing in love even more. And when he's struggling to love, I check myself to see if I'm struggling to love. I never knew my spiritual life would be so reciprical with the life of one of my children but God knows what we need and who we need, doesn't He.
It may sound strange that I liken my own son to being my 'enemy' but in many respects, that was how our relationship looked and felt during most of the day. It is only now that I see why God's command to 'Love thy enemy' is so powerful in this world because it can transform not only our own hearts, but it can transform those who hate us. Don't get me wrong, Ez and I still have our tough days, but the little boy I see now, is not the same boy from only a few months ago. God's love is transforming his heart and mind and I of all people, get the privilege to watch God work that miracle. The other miracle is taking place inside my own heart, as God pours forth his love upon me in order for me to then overflow onto Ez. And His supply is never-ending! Thanks be to God!
"More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's LOVE has been poured into our hearts throught the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."
Romans 5: 3-5
Here is a quick 1 minute video of 1st day meeting Moses while in Ethiopia. He is a sweet little guy and had a few smiles, lots of yawns, and a little crying. Looking forward to going back in a bit to bring him home for good.
We heard from our caseworker today that our court date did in fact go through. Moses is now officially our son. (We now wait for the US embassy to do their thing...so probably 8 to 10 weeks before we get to bring him home).
These are some of the pictures we received from October through December.
This smile so encouraged our hearts during the months of waiting
This picture gets me teary eyed every time I look at it. I just see him reaching out his hand and long to be there, hold him, care for him, serve him, and bring him home.
While I do not usually blog much( Dustin writes most of it), many things have been mulling around my brain since our return from Ethiopia that I think need to be shared and hopefully can be of some help to others going through similar situations.
Our second court date was yesterday- and it did NOT pass again.
First of all- there is a chance that we may never get to bring Moses home at all. I do not mean to alarm anyone with this news or to raise flags. It is an inkling into what I perceive may be happening to adoptions in Ethiopia and especially our situation. We still don't know if our MOWA letter will ever be completed and unfortunately, there is no way to know or to 'encourage' those who have the power right now over our case This realization has been very heavy on my heart to say the least and I have been wrestling with God over the 'what ifs' and 'whys' of the whole situation. What I do know right now is that God is challenging me to ask myself, "Will I still believe in his goodness and sovereignty if this does not go through and we lose our precious baby boy?"
Even if we do get to bring Moses home, my heart is wrenching over those lost 4 or 5 months that I did not get to feed him his bottle, or change his diapers, or play with his little toes on my cheeks as we coo to one another. This 'waiting' on the Lord is gut wrenching to say the least.
And it is now that the Lord has chosen to teach me an even more deeper application into what He meant in Philippians chapter 4. You know- those verses everyone memorizes and can quote off the top of their heads. Verse 6- Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving let your requests be made know to God. If I give God my anger, my longing, my frustration, over to God and thank Him in prayer and supplication for even planning this as a part of my life, then it goes on to tell me that 'the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard my heart and mind in Christ Jesus.' And boy does my throbbing heart and worried mind need guarding right now as I contemplate the worst case scenario- that of losing my precious Moses whom I've rocked in my arms, fed with my hands, kissed with my lips, and breathed in his smell with my breath. The Lord has once again brought me to a place of intense utter dependence upon him for strength and hope.
I am at a loss. I can do nothing to help the situation. God took all my 'efforts' and said to me, "Trust in me- for I am all you have and then, Heidi, you will see just how much you truely do have abundantly."
In faith I believe that God can move in the heart of one MOWA worker to get our letter done when it is time for Moses to join us. In faith, I am now learning what waiting on the Lord means in all circumstances. In faith, I get up each morning asking God to give me his peace and hope that His will be done in my life and in Moses' life. I wait. . . . . silently. . . . . sometimes crying. . . sometimes thoughtful about how God is working right now. And when I am feeling the most powerless, then I am supported in the strength of the most powerful, all knowing, all seeing, all loving Lord of the universe. . . . . and I am comforted.
You might not know how much you need 
