Life has not exactly been easy since we got back from our first trip to Ethiopia- not that it was easy before.
Many have asked how the kids did while we were gone and to my surprise, they did pretty well, although Ezra woke up a few mornings crying because he "missed mom and dad." Sweet Olivia, hearing his cries first, would go and pat his back and tell him "It's ok Ezra. Mom and dad will be home soon." Olivia is my little compassionate comforter which is a quality I hadn't seen come out until lately.
While I knew it would be hard to get back into the swing of things, I didn't know how difficult it would be with my oldest when we got back. And although it was a good thing that he missed us, I think we went a huge leap backwards in trust between us when we were gone those ten days. Old consequences for misbehavior that had worked in the past now meant nothing to him and as I'd tell him to go jump on the mini tramp, I'd be met with a cold stare and stiff body that refused to be told what to do. Every little thing that didn't go his way resulted in a meltdown or a physical temper tantrum. With each 'episode' that accrued day after day, I confess my love for him was tested brutally. To be totally honest, I felt like I was living with an enemy; someone who hated me and my love and threw it back in my face; someone who fought me on every issue like sitting down in one's seat to eat lunch or getting dressed in the morning. He wanted my help but then he didn't want it or I didn't do it the way he wanted it; it didn't matter really. . . . I was the enemy to him and he was soon becoming my 'enemy' in heart and in reality.
We had been making huge strides with 'E' before we left for Ethiopia but when we were gone, he did not understand that we would return soon and his trust in us fell apart. Thus, he set up barriers to protect himself, ones that had worked well to help him survive his first horrible year on this earth.
When things get really tough between 'E' and I, I always need to take a step back and remind myself of a few things. (These are good to take note of for any of you adoptive moms reading this blog.)
1)What are the temper tantrums really trying to communicate? For Ez, it always means a cry for help.
2)What am I showing him by the way I respond to his outbursts or rebellions? Am I an example of
love? of self control? of patience? of a sweet and gentle tone of voice?
3)What qualities is he displaying that helped him survive all the horror and pain he endured before being
adopted? Am I thankful for them? Am I showing him how he can put those aside now and feel
safe with me?
For all you adoptive moms with RAD kids, you know what I mean by getting to the end of your rope with a child. (If you don't know what that means, call me and I'd be happy to explain it to you)
I was at the end of my rope with Ez and I knew something needed to change. And then God had me read through first and second Peter to remind me about how we are to treat our enemies and what to endure in:
LOVE! "since love covers a multitude of sins" 1 Peter 4:8
God so graciously reminded me that in order for 'E' to learn to love and to accept love from others, I needed to show it to him daily and unfortunately, I was the one sorely lacking as things got worse and worse. But I was at a point where I could not muster it up for him. As hard as I tried to be 'nice' it was not Christ's love being examplified. It had to do with my impatient tone of voice; my ungentle touch or even complete lack thereof towards him; my disapproving cold eyes that looked into his; and the unspoken desire to just not be around him because when we were together, he was always fighting me. I was not pursueing him and had just fulfilled his reasoning for not trusting me. I desperately needed God to fill me up with His love because mine was gone. And so, I got down on my knees and from that point until this day, I get up every morning asking the Lord to give me His love for this child of mine.
And He has answered my prayers so faithfully! Now, I am reaping the joy of watching a life being transformed by the love of God. As the Holy Spirit gives me a patient heart or a kind tone of voice or even the desire to give 'E' a hug during a hard time, I see Ez responding like never before. I have a little boy who actually cries in sorrow when he has done wrong; I get a good morning hug initiated BY HIM; I get an "I love you mom" something that 'E' has
never said to me up until the last few months! Accepting love is so scary for him because his rule to reject it served him so well to surviving the loss of all those caregivers in those first few months. It's crazy to even watch him respond to love because it's like he doesn't even know what to do with his feelings; You can see it in his face. . . questions of, "Is it ok to feel this? I like love but maybe I can't trust it". . . . Verbalizing it is the hardest part for a little boy. As I watch Ez grow in love, I see myself growing in love even more. And when he's struggling to love, I check myself to see if I'm struggling to love. I never knew my spiritual life would be so reciprical with the life of one of my children but God knows what we need and who we need, doesn't He.
It may sound strange that I liken my own son to being my 'enemy' but in many respects, that was how our relationship looked and felt during most of the day. It is only now that I see why God's command to 'Love thy enemy' is so powerful in this world because it can transform not only our own hearts, but it can transform those who hate us. Don't get me wrong, Ez and I still have our tough days, but the little boy I see now, is not the same boy from only a few months ago. God's love is transforming his heart and mind and I of all people, get the privilege to watch God work that miracle. The other miracle is taking place inside my own heart, as God pours forth his love upon me in order for me to then overflow onto Ez. And His supply is never-ending! Thanks be to God!
"More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's LOVE has been poured into our hearts throught the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."
Romans 5: 3-5
