Where did my brain go?! And when do I get it back?



It's been four weeks since we brought Moses home and I apologize to many of you who've been wondering how we've been.  Needless to say, I have hardly had any time to write, much less eat my breakfast, or go to the bathroom(by myself is not an option) or keep up on the exploding laundry pile in my basement, or  most importantly- sleep.  That last one mentioned would be the kicker.  Did you know that you can believe the world is disintegrating and you will not make it (seriously) if one more child tells you they don't want cereal again for dinner?  This all due to the 1.23 hours of consecutive sleep you had the previous night, . . . . and the night before that. . . . . and the night before that.  But then- the Lord hears your pleas for sanity and self control and blesses you with 3.46 hours of sleep and you feel like you could run a marathon and solve world peace all in the same day.         .               . at least until 11:20am hits and your caffeine blood supply has run way too low.
     Ok seriously.  We are doing much better, have much more sanity(most of us), self control, and energy to make it through the day. 

Here's a few things we've been learning since we brought Moses home:

*Sleep is NOT overrated
*Getting a shower is NOT overrated
*Four kids are noisy even when they're trying to be quiet
*I (Heidi) can't sleep with a baby lying next to me, hence the going insane
*Moses and I both sleep much better when he is in the hallway(hey-we made it 3 weeks, better than nothing)
*As much as I try, getting 6 hours(like they reccomend) of carry time is just not even possible with naps, etc
     We get about 4 hours instead
*. . . . speaking of naps, they are a necessity
*Ezra loves playing with his little brother and it's actually helped him a lot to have a sibling with the same skin
     color
*Olivia-adjusting just fine to another sibling
*Camille- it's a love-hate relationship:  She'll kiss him one moment and then whack him over the head
      a minute later.  But overall, she's doing well also
*In doing things differently this time around, I can see that Moses is attaching already to me and I too, am
     bonding much quicker with him
*Telling people 'No, you cannot hold my son' when they ask is harder than I thought it would be
*Laundry has grown from a respectable mound to Mt. Everest in my basement

Now that Moses is home, God continues to challenge me in trusting Him evermore.  I was rocking Moses today trying to teach him to put his head down on my chest and listen to my heartbeat.  He was not keen on the idea and cried and strained his little body so he wouldn't have to be so close.  And a little snippet of fear arose in me that said,  "O no!  What if he refuses to bond with me.  What if he too hates to be touched and rejects my love!   Lord, I KNOW I won't be able to handle 2 children who won't bond.  Please, please don't put me through this again."   Everything in me began tensing up as I thought of the 'what ifs' down the road.  Then, as if God put his hand on my shoulder, I felt him saying, "Don't fear the future.  I will give you the strength and love you need to give Moses for today.  He is mine to work in and you can entrust him to me."
     I'm sure I will have many more 'panic' episodes and questionings of , "Did I do it right this time?"   So much of me says, "Ok Heidi, You're now educated, you've studied this, you can make changes, you shouldn't end up with an unattached child again."  If I do, what does that say about me?  about God? 
      Most of what I've learned about my true self, I've learned from the most challenging person in my life- my son.  It is tempting to think that if I do this or that all right, that my children will turn out 'right', or worse yet, that I somehow deserve my children to turn out right.  But where is God and his grace in that?  I've had to double check my thinking so often because in reality it's God who does all the work in their little hearts, not my perfect/ or quite imperfect parenting. 

      I'm thankful that I don't have to fear and right now, we're just enjoying getting to know Moses.  God has a plan for this sweet boy and I'm humbled to be used somehow as apart of it. 

A family of Six and His grace through it all



Tonight is the last night we will be a family of 5 as Dustin and his mom are returning from Ethiopia tomorrow.  So many things have gone through my head today as I tried to prepare for his arrival.  Things such as,
      *Do I have enough diapers
      *When will I ever get a chance to clean my bathroom again?
      *Have I prepared our other kids well enough for Moses' arrival?
      *Will Moses hate me and cry every day. . . . . . I'm not sure my nerves can handle that. . . .
 
Here Moses will probably have had an average of about 15 caregivers during his short life.  To him, I'm just another new and very 'white' face.  I smell different, I talk different, I don't know his schedule that he's been used to of eating and sleeping and the list goes on.  One of the biggest issues Dustin and I have talked through has been attachment.  We wanted to post a little something about all the things we learned in doing things with Ezra and what we will do differently the second time around.
So here's a few things:
   1) He will be sleeping in our room and if not in bed, directly next to me so I can roll over and touch him

   2)I (Heidi) will attempt to carry him attached in a carrier and facing me for a minimum of 6 hours a day, for 6 weeks

   3)No one else will hold Moses until we see good signs of attachment(minimum of 3-6 months)

   4)He will be fed a bottle for as long as possible so that he learns to make eye contact with me(mom)

   5)We will try to encourage him to go through those infant baby stages with us as long as possible(i.e. rolling, crawling, etc)

   *Those are just a few things that we learned we should've taken more seriously the first round through with Ezra.  Although everyone(including us) thought that since Ezra was so young when we got him, it wouldn't matter as much- but really it did . We know every parent makes mistakes, but we sure would do things differently looking back. 
Thank goodness for God's grace in all of this!  If not for God's grace in Ezra's and Moses' and my life- we would all be going crazy. . . .seriously!  But God is indeed gracious, especially when He calls us radical living each and every day.  I pray that our family and 'radical living' for Him would point others to the cross of Christ and how because of him, we are adopted into God's family as sons. 
       Thank you to those of you who've labored in prayer along with us and watched/read our journey in bringing Moses home.  We have felt your prayers and been encouraged by your comments.  And we are so blessed to have all of your support!           Humbly and with gratitude,   Dustin and Heidi Greenup (and kids)

US Embassy Appointment Here We come!!!!

After 2 ½ years…countless stacks of paperwork, many 


days/nights of tears & trials, next week Moses Greenup will be




 in our home. His adoption complete, final, irrevocable, by all 


necessary authorities. Our son home with us! I’m Traveling this 


weekend to Ethiopia. Tears flowed freely this morning when 


we got the call that I am clear to travel for our Embassy 




appointment next week!!!






Thank you all who have stood near us, with us, encouraged us, 


supported us, cried with us, prayed with us and for us and 


for Moses! 

Courage for Weary travelers...especially for those on the road of adoption

Below is the majority of an email I wrote to some fellow travelers on the long and hard road of adoption. Hope it might encourage one or two others on the road.

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We are praying for you both!

I know this wait has been long road, filled with trials, filled with questioning and wondering at the plans and purposes of God and His ways.

I have been spending a lot of time in Hebrews 11, 12, and 13 as of late and have been so challenged by the path of faith that the Lord has called many of our Old Testament brothers and sisters to.

God is making you into great parents prior to even having the children in your home. He is refining you for His great and good purposes, to be a light of Christ in a hopeless and dark world.

I do not know what these next 2, 4, 6 months hold (let alone tomorrow) for both you or us, but there are several promises that are growing more and more dear to me in and every day this adoption process continues…

·         Hebrews 13: The sure and steady HOPE that ‘Jesus will never leave me nor forsake me’. No matter what comes, he is graciously refining me for his purposes, His glory, and in fact for my good…though often I don’t see it as my good. ‘The Lord is my Helper, I will not fear…what can man do to me’.

·         Hebrews 12: The Race of Faith – We all have great need of endurance. Life is hard, trials are many, pain is present, but we can take GREAT hope in that Jesus endured suffering, horrific hostility, crucifixion, to bring me into the household of God, as sons adopted into the Family of the Living God. And that Great Hope, the Hope of the Firm and Steady rock of Jesus Christ, propels us to offer our lives as holy and pleasing sacrifices to God…suffering with Jesus outside the camp (Hebrews 13) and bearing the reproach He endured.

·         Hebrews 11: Enduring as Seeing Him who is invisible: Moses endured the anger of the king…because he ‘saw Him who is invisible’. Sarah endured ‘considering Him FAITHFUL, who had promised’. Abraham ‘offered up his only son Isaac believing that God would raise Him from the dead’. Moses ‘wandered’ for 40 years and God equipped Him, prepared Him to lead millions of people.

(I am saying this to myself as I write it) :  Be of good courage for our hope is not in governments (they will fail), adoption agencies (they will make mistakes), timelines (they are always changing), or anything other than Our Great God who did not spare His own Son so that we might become His children. Our courage is upon the Firm Foundation, the Sure and Steady Hope, the Immovable Rock in the midst of an earth-shaking Tsunami, The One who is Unshakable, the King of Kings, the One who upholds the world by the Word of His Power, Our Great Salvation, The One who has Made Purification for sins, the One Who is Seated at the Right Hand of The Throne of God, Exact Imprint of God (God Himself) the One who Works all Things together for Good to those who Love Him, to those who are Called according to HIS Purposes, the One who blood has given us access to the Throne of Grace, The One who is Faithful to the End, The One whom Death Could Not Hold, the One who is the Christ, JESUS.

A plea to our Great God

O God, let us remain steadfast under your Great and Precious Promises, let us hold closely to the only firm foundation available, Jesus and His work on the Cross, let us continue to RUN the race, fixing our eyes on You, the author and perfecter of our Faith, let us continue to live as seeing Him who is invisible, let us live for the world to come, let us be found faithful. Equip us O God for everything we need for life and godliness, for every good work You have called us to. For Your Name to be magnified.

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Here is a strengthening blog post from some friends of our who are also adopting from Ethiopia, on the topic of waiting on God.

Functional Universalist???

Am I, are you, a functional Universalist?



Do We Really Believe What We're Saying? from The Church at Brook Hills on Vimeo.


(HT: Justin Taylor)

Learning to Love the 'Unloveable'

Life has not exactly been easy since we got back from our first trip to Ethiopia- not that it was easy before. 

                                                                        
Many have asked how the kids did while we were gone and to my surprise, they did pretty well, although Ezra woke up a few mornings crying because he "missed mom and dad."   Sweet Olivia, hearing his cries first, would go and pat his back and tell him "It's ok Ezra. Mom and dad will be home soon."   Olivia is my little compassionate comforter which is a quality I hadn't seen come out until lately.  

While I knew it would be hard to get back into the swing of things, I didn't know how difficult it would be with my oldest when we got back.  And although it was a good thing that he missed us, I think we went a huge leap backwards in trust between us when we were gone those ten days.  Old consequences for misbehavior that had worked in the past now meant nothing to him and as I'd tell him to go jump on the mini tramp, I'd be met with a cold stare and stiff body that refused to be told what to do.  Every little thing that didn't go his way resulted in a meltdown or a physical temper tantrum.  With each 'episode' that accrued day after day, I confess my love for him was tested brutally.  To be totally honest, I felt like I was living with an enemy; someone who hated me and my love and threw it back in my face; someone who fought me on every issue like sitting down in one's seat to eat lunch or getting dressed in the morning.  He wanted my help but then he didn't want it or I didn't do it the way he wanted it; it didn't matter really. . . . I was the enemy to him and he was soon becoming my 'enemy' in heart and in reality. 

We had been making huge strides with 'E' before we left for Ethiopia but when we were gone, he did not understand that we would return soon and his trust in us fell apart.  Thus, he set up barriers to protect himself, ones that had worked well to help him survive his first horrible year on this earth.

When things get really tough between 'E' and I, I always need to take a step back and remind myself of a few things.  (These are good to take note of for any of you adoptive moms reading this blog.)
      
       1)What are the temper tantrums really trying to communicate?  For Ez, it always means a cry for help.
       2)What am I showing him by the way I respond to his outbursts or rebellions?  Am I an example of
          love?  of self control?  of patience?   of a sweet and gentle tone of voice?
       3)What qualities is he displaying that helped him survive all the horror and pain he endured before being
            adopted?   Am I thankful for them?   Am I showing him how he can put those aside now and feel
           safe with me?

For all you adoptive moms with RAD kids, you know what I mean by getting to the end of your rope with a child.  (If you don't know what that means, call me and I'd be happy to explain it to you)
I was at the end of my rope with Ez and I knew something needed to change.  And then God had me read through first and second Peter to remind me about how we are to treat our enemies and what to endure in:   
                                  LOVE!  "since love covers a multitude of sins"  1 Peter 4:8

God so graciously reminded me that in order for 'E' to learn to love and to accept love from others, I needed to show it to him daily and unfortunately, I was the one sorely lacking as things got worse and worse.  But I was at a point where I could not muster it up for him.  As hard as I tried to be 'nice' it was not Christ's love being examplified.  It had to do with my impatient tone of voice; my ungentle touch or even complete lack thereof towards him;  my disapproving cold eyes that looked into his; and the unspoken desire to just not be around him because when we were together, he was always fighting me.  I was not pursueing him and had just fulfilled his reasoning for not trusting me.   I desperately needed God to fill me up with His love because mine was gone.  And so, I got down on my knees and from that point until this day, I get up every morning asking the Lord to give me His love for this child of mine. 

And He has answered my prayers so faithfully!    Now, I am reaping the joy of watching a life being transformed by the love of God.  As the Holy Spirit gives me a patient heart or a kind tone of voice or even the desire to give 'E' a hug during a hard time, I see Ez responding like never before.  I have a little boy who actually cries in sorrow when he has done wrong; I get a good morning hug initiated BY HIM;  I get an "I love you mom"  something that 'E' has never said to me up until the last few months!   Accepting love is so scary for him because his rule to reject it served him so well to surviving the loss of all those caregivers in those first few months.  It's crazy to even watch him respond to love because it's like he doesn't even know what to do with his feelings;  You can see it in his face. . . questions of, "Is it ok to feel this?  I like love but maybe I can't trust it". . . . Verbalizing it is the hardest part for a little boy.  As I watch Ez grow in love, I see myself growing in love even more.  And when he's struggling to love, I check myself to see if I'm struggling to love.  I never knew my spiritual life would be so reciprical with the life of one of my children but God knows what we need and who we need, doesn't He.

It may sound strange that I liken my own son to being my 'enemy' but in many respects, that was how our relationship looked and felt during most of the day.  It is only now that I see why God's command to 'Love thy enemy' is so powerful in this world because it can transform not only our own hearts, but it can transform those who hate us.  Don't get me wrong, Ez and I still have our tough days, but the little boy I see now, is not the same boy from only a few months ago.  God's love is transforming his heart and mind and I of all people, get the privilege to watch God work that miracle.  The other miracle is taking place inside my own heart, as God pours forth his love upon me in order for me to then overflow onto Ez.  And His supply is never-ending!  Thanks be to God!  

                                                                     
         "More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's LOVE has been poured into our hearts throught the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."  
                                                                                                                    Romans 5: 3-5

Meeting Moses for the 1st time

Here is a quick 1 minute video of 1st day meeting Moses while in Ethiopia. He is a sweet little guy and had a few smiles, lots of yawns, and a little crying. Looking forward to going back in a bit to bring him home for good.