First meeting with an Attachment Therapist

*I write this down because I think there are others out there who are wrestling with similar issues in the adoption/foster care world, and this will be a bigger and bigger issue as more and more adoptions occur. By no means am I offering counsel, just recounting some of our process and what we are working through. It serves as a means of clarifying my thoughts also. We are very much at the beginning of this. 

Today we had our first meeting with an attachment therapist. We had no clue what to expect. We'd be lying to say that we weren't a bit nervous. What should we expect? What is normal? Is he going to act like 'normal' and show no signs of any issues? Are we just being over-sensitive and making all this stuff up?

So we get into the house and get comfortable. Instantly the kids (yes, we brought all of them) wanted to play with all of the toys she had, but first she wanted to get to know us a little bit and ask us a few questions. 

(I am briefly summarizing a 2 hour session). She was very warm, gracious, kind and helpful. 

Hannah: 'Ezra, could you tell me about your mom and dad? Tell me one thing about your mom?'

Ezra: 'Well, she lets me help her do the dishes'. 

Hannah: Great. Thank you for answering the question. High Five! Hugs for daddy and mommy.

 Now could you tell me about your dad? What does your dad do for work?

Ezra: "Well, he does the dishes." (Which I do try and do, but not for work.)

Hannah: 'Ezra, I want you to tell me what you dad does for work'.

Ezra: 'He leaves the house'. 

For the next 35 minutes, Ezra says different things and is trying to maintain control. He gets so frustrated with the process that he starts crying and goes and sits in mommy's lap and is held by her (which is a good thing). Hannah then trys to move onto a different question and come back to the 'What does daddy do for work' question.  We were greatly encouraged that Ezra went into Heidi's arms to be held by her (that is a good thing).

So Ezra stands up and looks at Hannah in the eyes and she asks...

Hannah: 'Ezra, what color are my eyes?'

Ezra: 'Purple'. 

Hannah: 'Ezra, I am sorry, my eyes are not purple.' (As a four year old, he knows his colors).

This goes on for another 10 to 15 minutes. 

Hannah: 'Ezra are you ready to answer the question.'

Ezra: 'Yes.'

Hannah: 'Ok, what color are my eyes?'

Ezra: 'Black'.

Hannah: 'Sorry Ezra, that is not right'.

* It is very easy to see that Ezra is trying to maintain control here and do things on his own terms and not on Hannah's terms. 

Daddy's Thought and Question:

About half way through this, I jump into the conversation. Heidi, we don't talk a lot about what I do for work, do you think this is something Ezra knows and knows how to communicate? 

Hannah: 'Possibly, but the fact that Ezra hasn't tried to answer correctly is something I want to pursue a bit further. It isn't that the answer has to be perfect, it just needs to be on topic and somewhat specific.' (As opposed to 'daddy washes dishes for work' or 'he just leaves the house'.

In Daddy's mind: (Maybe he is getting confused, maybe the questions should be asked in a different way.) Reality Check: These are really simple questions to ask/answer.

After doing some strong sitting, sitting on mom's lap and seeing her sister play with Superman and other toys, he says he is ready to answer.

Hannah: 'Ok Ezra, what does your daddy do for work?'

Ezra:  MY DADDY WORKS ON HIS COMPUTER AND SELLS HOUSES. 

(Word for word from his mouth. We had given him no further information since the beginning of our time. He is a very smart boy!)

Everyone: At this point we congratulate him, give huge hugs, big high-fives, and kisses, and communicate with him that we are super excited for him to tell the truth.

After answering that correctly, it took another 30 minutes to answer her second question correctly.

Hannah: 'Ezra, what color are my eyes?'

Ezra: 'Your eyes are blue'. 

Everyone Again: At this point we congratulate him, give huge hugs, big high-fives, and kisses, and communicate with him that we are super excited for him to tell the truth. 

Over the course of the hour and fifteen minutes of this, there were simply 2 questions Hannah focused upon because they were trigger points for Ezra.

1) What does your daddy do for work?

2) What color are my eyes?

You might be thinking: Wow, you went and spent 2 hours with someone just to answer those 2 questions. No...those questions and his answers reveal some deeper attachment issues. Why lie over the course of 20 times about what your daddy does for work and what color someone's eyes are? Maintain and keep control for the purpose of a safety mechanism. 

What is next?

- Time of thanksgiving to the Lord for our son. We cherish that God has graciously gifted our family with Ezra and soon Musse. 

- We are going to listen to and read Taming the Tiger while its still a Kitten. There are a lot of practical helps in working with children on helping them attach and gives us plenty of things to work on with Ezra over the course of the next few months. 

- Work on some of the things Ezra missed in his first year of life that he needs now. Additional holding, loving touch, looking into eyes, etc. You might think this is weird, but there are so many things that occur in that first year of life that we need to take a step back and work on with Ezra. 

- Ezra needs to know (the experiential know) that daddy and mommy know what is best and he doesn't need to try to maintain control. Helping him learn to TRUST us is essential. 

Other Thoughts:

- It isn't that we are trusting 'therapy' to change his heart and cause him to be born again, that is a gracious gift from the Lord, and only by the Lord. 

- Ezra is such a blessing and joy to our family and is full of smiles, joy and encouragement...but he is also hurting and needs help and does try to control and 'lead' as a means of coping. 

- If your child had a broken thumb and needed surgery and repairing, you would get physical therapy for him, right? The hardest part about attachment issues is that when brain development gets involved causes and treatments get a bit more tricky. There is no one unified voice, especially biblical voice, that addresses the issue the way physical therapists would respond to a broken thumb and what to do to get it back to functioning normally. 

If this post has been unclear, please comment and ask questions so I can clarify it.

P.S. A few posts I am going to do before we leave for Ethiopia are going to be focused upon 'What we learned from parenting an adopted child the first time around & what we are going to do different our 2nd time around.'